This is something I wrote about in 2007 when I was going through a really rough time in my life. I had a brief problem with drugs and a “borderline personality” (according to a number of therapist and other specialist I saw) I wrote it all over a period of months…some of it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore…but much of it does. I’m so proud of what i’ve overcome. Sometimes I almost feel like none of this ever happened because I tried my best to let go of all of those memories, and sometimes reading back on these things embarrass me. But sometimes the hurt is still there.
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To err is human, to forgive, divine…
Category: Life
Can you imagine your whole life being all about the worst thing you ever did?
Before I start writing about everything in this blog..i’m just going to
say that I know it jumps all around[That's why I will try to categorize everything]…It will not all make sense…
and if anything…please don’t judge the things I say…
Some may find this to be disturbing. So, if there are things
about my life and thoughts in my head that you would rather not
hear…then I suggest you don’t read this. This is every thought
I can think to put down, in writing. Nothing hidden. By reading
this…you will probably learn something new about me. I want
to be open to each and every one of you….So you can know me
for me. I’m no longer scared of not being…100% myself.
Because I realize now that if someone is going to stick by me for me…Then those are the people I want in my life.
<3
Thoughts/Feelings at their worst…
It takes a toll on my mind and body. It makes my heart shrink, then
shrivel. I can’t think, or breathe properly and my eyes blink 20
times in 10 seconds. I’m out of touch with reality. My thoughts
are illogical…my sense of time is gone and my explanation of how
I feel makes no sense whatsoever. I’ll neglect my appearance; it’s
hard to speak clearly…and still…i’m not making sense to anyone.
I think this is what feeling insane is like. I can’t remember anything.
I try to concentrate, but I can’t. I can’t control expressions, the
blinking turns into twitching, and convulsions. And my arms feel like
i’ve been carring 40lb weights all day…and now they’re numb. I’m
telling myself how much I fucking hate myself. I want to just calm the fuck
down. But this overwhelming pain is what’s in control now. All of my
energy is gone, and now this rush of adreneline is the only thing
keeping my body awake. Maybe it’s just my body’s way of fasly
experiencing that of what the drugs did to me. It seems to be somewhat
of a popular quote these days….But I know that…. “I don’t like the drugs,
but the drugs like me…”…My rational mind is at rest, and emotions run
haywire. Fear, Paranoia, Frustration, Pain, Guilt, Denial…that
need for acceptance. ….These intense emotions run the show. And at
this point in time…I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck
about anything. It’s not that I chose to. But everything that is
important to me…I just cannot grasp it. It’s almost like my heart
is in a coma. It’s still there, but it’s not out in the open. It’s
not in my concious mind. I feel so overtaken, so gone, so lost.
This is why I turned to drugs. That, and curiosity. To fit in
with people I idolized. And I don’t even know why. I was a wreck
even before the drugs. But now, these negative feelings are magnified
to a level that is worse…much worse. And unbearable.
What lead up to everything?
- Before the drugs…
Anyone who knew me slightly could see that a part of me had been
scarred. I’ve never been open about particulars…and while everyone
has their own story…it’s hard for me to even function properly at times. I made
wonderful friends. I had the most amazing light in my life. The one
person I loved more than anything. But there was still, and always
will be the issues of everyday life…and the memories of him. And
so many others…
….I still remember his voice. It stays with me. It’s frightening.
I remember it so vaugly, but so clearly at the same time. The sound
of hie voice..those simple words. I was so young. And the memories
make me cringe. That shivery touch gives me the biggest sense of
nausea, weakness, and overall fear of men, people, and life in
general. There tends to be a constant of knowing, and remembering of
things that have happend. I can’t change it. No matter how much
I want to. It doesn’t leave me alone.
(If you don’t know me too well…then this probably won’t make
sense to you.)
- After the drugs…
They made me feel better. Like everything was going to be ok. I lost my faith to something that doesn’t even exist. But after that short amount of time I created a new series of “pain” for myself. The victim became the abuser. It wasn’t just drugs that I abused. It was everything I had. My friends, my family,
my best friend, and the one person I wanted to grow up with.
The last time I did it, I thought I was going to die. It was
stronger than anything from before. Even strong to the people
who had been using it for years…I could not feel a thing.
Never had it been so pure…and I had no sense of time. I
was scared…even if it wasn’t shown. My body was too small
and fragile to handle it…but eventually I started to calm down.
God knows I wanted to stop…but eventually…after the rush was done and over with…that’s when I realized, I knew…no more.
I couldn’t do this anymore. And although I was aware of this…I couldn’t.
Getting “caught” was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
The Aftermath
When all of this is over…I am left with so much
confusion. I don’t know weather or not I should
let go of the good memories, or fight for more. I’m
so fucking confused. I have this physical attachment
to you…and I want you back right then and there….
I can’t separate what’s real and what’s not in my head….Who cares
for me…and who doesn’t. I need to scream. I get these
sickening thoughts in my head that seem so dark and unreal…
They’re sickening thoughts/hallucinations…but when i’m feeling
different…mellow or just..lonely…it’s like they’re sexual.
I am one for seduction and manipulation. I don’t even
realize it…a person who has been put in my position in the past
can work the angles..and manipulate. It’s…strange.
And it’s nothing permiscuous. The sexual feeling is there…but it’s all out of longing for you again. And just flat out missing you.
I’m sorry for everything I put any of you through.
It’s all I can say.
— We hit our lows. But when we breakthrough…there’s
nothing better. Love triumps over pain, desperation,
and hate. I’ll sit back…take a deep breath..remember
you for you. Someone who was my love, my joy, and pride.
Everything that was mine was yours. My thoughts, my past,
my love, my soul….Count your blessings, babe.
You really were my joy and bestfriend. And I will never
forget the good times for what they were. That’s what i’ll
remember you by. I just hope someday you can do the same for me.
I do miss you. And I will always care for you.
The Facts
People diagnosed with my “illnesses” (sp?) usually
experience a combination of positive emotions..
(hallucinations, delusions, racing thoughts)…
negative.. (apathy, lack of emotion, poor social
functioning).. and cognitive(disorganized thoughts,
diffuculty concentrating/following directions,
difficulty completing tasks, and memory problems…)…
Your upbringing plays a huge role in ones mental functioning.
A person who is psychotic is out of touch with reality.
They hear “voices”…or have strange illogical thoughts.
They may get excited or angry for no apparent reason,
or spend a lot time by themselves….also staying awake
during all hours of the night and sleeping through the day.
Brightsurf.com
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/antipsychotic-medications/
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I will never act as if my actions were justified.
Or as though a simple diagnosis is an explanation/justification for it.
However…I will spend much of my time doing what I can
to pull through…and be the best I can be.
“Always forgive, never forget,
learn from your mistakes, never regret.
People change, things go wrong. Just remember…
Life. Goes. On. “
9:03 PM – 2 Comments – 5 Kudos – Add Comment – Edit – Remove
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Nevermind, forget it, just memories… on a page inside a spiral notebook…
Category: Life
So..this blog is all over the place. But..I don’t have the patience to overlook it right now. There might be something that I said twice or worded wrong…but like I said….i’m lazy and I don’t feel like fixing it now. Haha. So…I apologize for any misspelling of words or jumping all over the place subject wise…. ^____^
Should I be thankful for the memories?
Are we really different than we used to be? Have
we really changed?….
The Current Situation….
It now seems like so much better, yet just as bad as
it was months ago.
Since wrapping up what was the worst chapter of my life,
i’ve wanted to seemlessly step into the role of supportive
friend, loving girlfriend,…and even mother if ever neccesary…
But it hasn’t been that easy. I’ve had my moments. I’ve done good
for the world…and in many ways I have shown my self. I’ve had
my sense of accomplishment when you were by my side…
But, still, there is another side to me that once was. A darker
side. All disturbing, but confessed…The only reason I pay
any attention to it anymore is because the effects of my
mishappenings are still..and always will be in effect.
Signs Of Trouble These Days?
My past problems became a conflict with everything in
my life, my sanity, and the person I loved the most.
But I have remained clean and sober from any type of
destructive substance with the help of (some) loves ones, counseling,
and weekly meetings. Anyone who suggest that I “need” help is
firmly rebuffed….But at this point in my life, I feel I have
the self-control and willpower (not to mention my feelings for
loved ones are clear to me now) to stay clean.
Coping much?
I began living life in self-destructive ways at a young age. For what seems like such a long amount of time
my behavior was wild, and bizzare. Weather it was experimentation
with knives, or just fucked up ways of thinkiing…it is all
calm now. And it’s over. Nobody changes overnight. But I knew
that to be a decent friend, girlfriend, and overall better
person…that nothing about me could be self-destructive or
unsure day to day. The two people that meant the most to me
inspired me the most to calm down. The person I, at one point
in time, considered the love of my life, and my best friend….
Better known as…Ian and Lauren. (Neither of you will ever know
how much you mean to me. Still, to this day.) It’s because of
the both of you…When I layed in the hospital bed, and thought
about you both when you would listen to me, or when I was struggling
through my hard time…it’s the look on both of your faces that would
make me tear up, yet.. be motivated to change. You two were the main
people. But weather it be the loss of other great friends…even if
we never speak again…it was a build up of knowing I had to change
because of why I lost everyone….Ian…Lauren…and even someone like Jean.
I had more caring feelings and respect for her more than most anyone I had ever met. I never always knew why…but she had a different point of view, and
she opened my mind a lot. She, too influenced me that I could never be so
fucking selfish and… dishonest. I no longer have a need for drugs.
I’m confident, relaxed…and in command of my life. A part of me died when
I made the decisions I did. When I lost the people I lost.
But it’s all in the past.
What does pain cause us to do?
Does it cause us to be different people? I believe that fear of pain forces
us to make bad decisions. Or react in ways that can be destructive…or cause
that moment of what feels like insanity. Why does my mind and body react
the way it does to fear of pain and abandonment?….You have to ask yourself..
Do you do the same thing without realization? And does your response get
you anywhere? Is it productive?….If not, what can you do to make it productive?
Should I just talk to you like everything is going to be ok?
Or should I just say goodbye? The only thing I know to say
is that I do love you. And you have nothing to worry about.
Not anymore. The past is real, it will always exist. But never again,
will it be repeated. So let your fear die down…and strive for what
will make you happy.
I was crazy….Although I am in more control now…i’m still a little crazy.
Coming from me…to certain other people…I don’t need to be brought
down by any of you. Especially any two faced fuckers. I know who has said
what..and you know who you are aswell. The only reason it bothers
me so…is because when I go through my day and see, or hear this or
that…I don’t want to care…but I have mixed feelings and they
clash because for some reason…i care for those people….
no matter what is said, or what is done. I’m not claiming to have
been anywhere near perfect. And I know I have been guilty of the
same thing. But enough is enough. And i’m tired of all the bullshit.
And I won’t stand for it without running my mouth. It’s always the
same shit. Weather it be comments that are made such as “Crack Whore”
or weather it be something like “I all the sudden don’t like you
because you are talking to one of my friends…it seems like you’re takinf her away from me”…If that wasn’t fucking
selfish as all get out. I mean damn. I don’t even fucking know. It hurt. It hurt a lot because it was so unexpected. My point
is…that I am tired of it. And I have nothing to hide from anyone. I have
no feelings (weather they be positive or negative) to hide from anyone anymore.
We’re all human. We’re all hypocrites…but I would rather live my life
with those I love and that love me without being brought down….or even
that feeling of being “used” for something. (like money or some shit like that) Like I said…the fucked up thing is…is that even with a lot of those comments being made…it hurts. But for some reason…I still repsect and love(most of all miss) pretty much all of you.
I’m stronger than I once was. I will always have my set backs..and my guilt..
But I will never be brought down by anyone. Not anymore. Because I know
what I do and don’t deserve. Ahh. I just get confused as shit. Haha.
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This is for him. You know who you are.
For some reason…you are still stuck in my head.
it doesn’t matter how much time we have spent apart..
or who else it is that we are with. Sometimes my
feelings for you freeze. And I can’t tell weather or
not they’re still there. But, they are. I’ve learned that.
I’m happy. But at the same time…really sad. Sad because of the
disapointment you and I have both felt since this has been up and
down…on and off. And just, rediculous. I will not go into
everything that we have discussed before. But, we are both
to blame. But our perception of the past, the present, and
the future is both so different. We must both keep an open
mind to each others words, and actions…and always look
at intenet rather than pointing out the negatives, dwelling
on them…or acting immature/vengeful/hateful. You should not
speak to me the way you do at times. It is not deserved, and it
never gets us anywhere. I won’t stand for it. But realize that
I am only trying to help you.
You and I are so alike. But so different at the same time.
We click. We have similar interest, and beliefs. I suppose
that is why we…at our best…are overall, happy.
I guess that’s why we were so happy such a long time ago. It just
clicked. I do not always know what is healthy for us. Sometimes
it is just time. The time apart is good. But then my deseire, or yours
brings us together in one way or another. Sometimes memories of
lust and passion cloud my head and confusion comes into play.
But there’s always the ‘one more time’…or, make up idea..
that is accurate, but still…mysterious. I don’t know what it
means. Still to this day..it’s a thought and a desire that seems
so right…but then there’s almost this feeling of guilt. Almost.
Weather it’s our way of dealing with the current situation.
I don’t know. I don’t think either of us will ever know.
But it’s always on the table.
Keep your mind in the present. Keep your mind in the moment.
Don’t suffer in your future because of past events
that will never change. Ask yourself what you can do
to better the future. Or what would give you happiness.
At this point…It seems like there’s a really thin line between love and hate.
What is love to you now? There’s so little…yet so much more to say.
I understand you so much more than you think I do.
And I do love you. I always will.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
The after effects…Addiction is nothing to be glamorized. Risperidone.[UNFINISHED]
Category: Life
The after effects…
..of deception….drug abuse…childhood memories…and so many other confusing things in life….
Researchers supported by the National Institute on Drug Abuse have identified a process in the brain that may help explain addiction to cocaine and other drugs of abuse. Their research indicates that repeated exposure to cocaine causes a change in genes that leads to altered levels of a specific brain protein. This protein regulates the action of a normally occurring brain chemical called dopamine. It is a chemical messenger in the brain associated with the cocaine’s pleasurable “rush”—the mechanism of addiction. Certainly, more research is needed to unlock the mysteries of addiction, but this information adds one more link in explaining how the brain adapts in the addiction process.
(source:http://www.emedicinehealth.com/cocaine_abuse/page2_em.htmCocaine Abuse Causes)
It felt weird. Strange. Like a tingling and bitter…but sickening sensation.
I felt like I was on a constant rollercoaster of hate and deception….
But it also felt like a constant orgasm running through my body. A mixture of nausea and energy.
I wanted to get off the ride when guilt set in…but I could not get off.
I was already stuck. It had already started. I couldn’t control who I was.
I wasn’t me….I had turned into something — someone else.
Sometimes I don’t remember much.
I remember laying down drowned in tears, confusion, and blood.
I was numb. I was emoitionally numb…and I could not fight
the mixed emotions going on through my head.
The memories eat at me because of what has come of everything.
And by being naieve to the world and the dangers in it…I stepped
directly over the hole. And I fell. I crashed. And I could not get
out by myself.
I gave in. I gave into something so deadly and so controlling.
I could not control myself. I gave in to the rush, I gave into the
drugs…And it burned a hole in my heart, and in my life.
The lonlyness, and level of remource I now have in my heart…is
at a level nobody truly understands…
And throughout such a short time…everything I loved tore away from me. Because of me.
And the thought, and feeling of it all still scares me.
Acting withdrawn, depressed, tired….sick…
and so careless of your personal appearance. Hair can turn
nappy…your face sinks in…and your whole foundation can sink
in and the outline of your whole body is suddenly visable…
and then you feel destroyed and brittle. Because that’s what
you are. That’s what you become.
Take it from me…please don’t fuck with this shit you guys. There is nothing I will not do to stress this enough. And there is nothing I won’t do to save someone else from this.
When your high is gone, and you have nothing but yourself…
all you can do is lay down…exhausted..but restless.
and with a depression that floods through you like nothing you
could even imagine.
you’re not quite yourself anymore…and the reality of what
you’ve done just sinks in, and then you fall back into
realization…”What have I done? I’m so scared. I’m terrified.
I’m paranoid.”
…I’m a nervous wreck.
Paranioa, anger, hostility…throughout the entire time. That’s so much of what I felt..
My body feels empty..I feel like i’ve lost 30lbs in just a short
period of hours. I can’t breathe. I feel guilty. And I start to
believe my lies of what I think happened. I think too much for how exhausted and shitty I feel. And I don’t know what is real anymore.
That is how I felt the last time it happened…I was still stuck.
But I still loved you. And I remember you even now. You’re still
so familiar to me…and I think about the good times…And ofcourse
i’ve learned…and I am full of remource. But now…i don’t know
what I can do to make myself happy. When I lost you…I lost
the part of me that I grew to love…
Why?
try to think about what’s so great about damaging your body
in such a harsh, degrading way.
It’s toxic…and it is bitter.
Addiction is nothing to be proud of.
It’s nothing to be glamorized.
I did love you. And you were always good enough. And you made me happy.
This was torn away from me because i gave my life to a drug.
This drug was the first step in destrying the person I used to be.
I know things weren’t always perfect. But it was better. I was
a decent person. You loved me. And I made you happy…
And when I lost these people…I lost a part of what made me, me.
Sometimes you are like a poison to me. But I cannot help but
care so much. I cannot help but care enough to drop anything
to make you feel better…or make you happy. Regaurdless of
the terrible things that happened…
I don’t know if i can say “forever was a lie”.
but at one point in time. It was forever…it was suppose to be you and me…forever.
I don’t want to feel completely alone. I’m happy for you…but I’m just scared.
If i could walk away from you..believe me, I would.
Nobody suddenly makes a person change. It takes time. Sometimes
it takes something tragic and heartbreaking…but it can happen.
Lauren – I’m not really full of hate..i’m not really vengeful…I just miss you sometimes. That’s all.
Sometimes these things take experience to really learn and understand.
cocaine interfers with the way your brain processes chemicals that create feelings
of pleasure, so you need more and more of the drug just to feel NORMAL. People who become addicted to cocaine start to lose interest in other areas of their life…
..like school, friends, sports…etc…
Even first time users can have seizures or fatal heart attacks.
The changes that occur in a person during the times using cocaine..and even the
choices you make…are…just unreal. And even when you’re off the drug…
you may still have this thought in your mind…and you can still have the
guilt…and you can still have this incredible fear of abandonment…
..that is when deception takes over. Shame gets prompted when there’s a
chance that something that you’re doing, or if you have a certain characteristic…that, if exposed
gets you “kicked out”…and a persons gut instinct is to aviod…
then lying occurs…and you’ve gotten yourself in an even more
fucked up delima…
Your feirce, but also intimidating beauty lured me in, in the first place…
And whlie we have our differences now, you’re still my friend.
Because I cannot and will not deny your kind words.
I wish all the things that happened, haddn’t happened. But you’re
there for me. And you still love me. So that’s what makes you
beautiful.
you can use in reasoning to understand that the voices are your own thoughts.
i’ll have to fend off the madness for the rest of my life.
it rolls in like a slow fog, becoming imperceptibly thicker as time goes on.
it’s a lifelong battle with madness.
i still love you. all of you. and i am doing my best to turn a 180. that’s all i can say anymore…is that i’m doing my best. and i’m living my life being the best i can be.
<3
